One Piece: Wedding Compromise
by Black' Victor Cachat
Summary: Sanji reveals why he really left, and Luffy offers a compromise to the Big Mom Pirates. AU to the cannon wedding. Crackfic, one-shot.
I do not own One Piece

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One Piece: Wedding Compromise

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"B-but your letter to your Captain said you'd handle it yourself! You abandoned your old crew!" a battered and burned Capone Bege gasped out.

"Moron. I only wrote that because I knew you could tell whatever was going on inside of you, thanks to your Devil Fruit powers," Sanji smugly revealed as he lit a fresh cigarette. "But Luffy's a _real_ Captain, unlike you. I knew he'd come after me, but I also knew that if Nami and the others stayed with me they'd be too vulnerable, so I had to get rid of them."

"You also wanted to find a way to make sure that no one you cared about, or anyone _we_ cared about, could be threatened," Nami shrewdly concluded, having already realized how some people might go after the friends and family members of the Straw Hats, regardless of how people like her sister or the cooks on the Baratie were innocent of whatever she and her crew had done.

"Oh, Nami," Sanji said as he took another puff before leaping at her with hearts in his eyes, "You know me so well!" he yelled.

"Shishishishi! Good to hear," Luffy chuckled while beaming his huge smile, casually sitting above everyone from where he had witnessed the beatdown his chef had given the Supernova. "I was afraid I was going to have to lecture you."

"No worries about that," Sanji grinned, "for all their boasts about the power of the Emperors, it was clear from this loser's attitude from the start that he didn't understand what being a pirate _really_ meant, so he wouldn't have understood what really happened at Enies Lobby."

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Further chaos and mayhem ensued, along with lots of screaming on both sides, but all of them inevitably ended up crashing through the roof of wedding hall, before all of the distinguished guests, including Big Mom herself.

"Sanji is my crew, and there's no way we're joining someone else's," Luffy declared to the Emperor and every member of the stupefied audience, his face set in iron. "But there is a way out of this: a compromise."

Nami started covertly checking the exits while Sanji stretched out with his Haki some more to locate all of the most dangerous threats, Chopper palmed a Rumble Ball, and Brook pulled out his violin as if to play music and not cast hallucinations. They all knew something was about go down.

Now earnestly beaming, Luffy continued, "If Sanji marrying one of Big Mom's daughters meant we'd be part of your crew, then Big Mom can marry Zoro and then you guys sail under my flag! He doesn't really care much about women anyways, so everyone wins!"

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"I'm 100% behind that idea," Sanji smirked while snapping a thumbs up.

Big Mom's response to this "compromise" leveled most of her own island.

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"Robin will be glad we got this Poneglyph," Luffy chuckled with glee from atop the large red stone as his crew and allies sailed away, with Nami steering them through the sole safe path so that they could escape.

"Say Sanji," Chopper chirped up, "where'd you disappear to during all that?"

"Well," the man began before wincing and lying back down, his 'reunion' with his so-called 'family' having left a few bruises. And broken bones.

Worth it all in the end, but still painful.

"Well," Sanji started again, "I stopped off to run off a few invitations for that wedding Luffy suggested."

"You what!?" Nami screamed.

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"Tashigi? Tashigi! What's the matter with you!?" Vice-Admiral Smoker bellowed, wondering what had put his right-hand into such a state of shock as she read the letter the idiot messenger had delivered, apparently for the entirety of G-5.

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"Well, uhm, should we go?" a stupefied Perona finally asked.

"I've never received a wedding invitation," Mihawk admitted, equally put out and unsure of what he was supposed to do.

"It _does_ say attendance isn't mandatory."

"Hmm, yes it does," the swordsman agreed with narrowed eyes.

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Zoro's first sensei, Koshiro, was facepalming again while his students raved about how awesome their idol was as they waved around the newspaper. _And I_ just _got them to stop taping their left eyes shut to imitate him_ , he moaned to himself.

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Ex-Warlord Doflamingo had been suffering from both something Trafalgar Law had done with his powers, and then the massive beating Straw Hat Luffy had given him. Ironically, his condition had been worsened by the fact that all of the advanced medical centers in Dressrosa had been destroyed by Doflamingo's own Birdcage. Also, while the marines _could_ have provided medical service, they had been more concerned with wrapping the man up in lots and lots of sea prism stone chains, noting how much safer they felt that way. Frankly, helping him regain his strength had not been on their priority list.

The final straw however was when someone read him that day's newspaper, and he laughed so hard that he _finally_ croaked.

"Dump the body overboard," Admiral Fujitora rumbled, blatantly displaying his contempt for the man, knowing it would send a message to the other Warlords when they eventually heard of this. Personally, the blind man had dismissed the newspaper report immediately, having personally gauged Straw Hat's power and knew that if he was barely able to beat Doflamingo even with Trafalgar Law's help, then Straw Hat would be incapable of making an Emperor submit to him. Besides, ever since that 'misprint' over Doflamingo resigning, he was even more skeptical about the official news of what was happening in the world. Regardless, it was still a colossal insult towards Big Mom. _But then who's Straw Hat really after? Kaido? Or Big Mom? Or is he_ really _tryin' to provoke the_ both _of them? Is Law even still with him? Because if there's some brilliant scheme at play, it eludes me._

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The Five Elder Stars were really starting to wish they could take a vacation. Preferably to somewhere that had never heard of a certain brat with a D in his name.

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Buggy the Star Clown, the famed Warlord, was snarling and griping to himself in the VIP room's closet, where neither all of his vastly stronger subordinates could see him, nor his top lieutenants, who were like him also weak in comparison to the ex-prisoners. The latter could still hear him however.

"How long's he going to be sulking?" Alvida groaned.

"Who knows?" Number 3 said distractedly as he reread the wedding invitation, with a copy of the newspaper article set to the side.

"Maybe if I sent all my men to kill Big Mom, then I could be finally done with that brat," Buggy muttered to himself, but he knew his men would expect him to fight the _Emperor_ himself. The idiots would probably even think he was just being overly humble, and would then just open a path for her to reach him and _suck out his soul._

"I wonder what kind of food they'd have? At the wedding I mean?" Mohji wondered aloud.

Alivda and Number 3's stares at the lion tamer conveyed how stupid they found the idea of actually attending the wedding. They had a pretty sweet deal going on right now, and held no interest in deliberately jumping into any more insanity.

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Captain Coby could not stop grinning once he had read the article, despite Helmeppo's attempts to quiet him down, because after all the _proper_ Marine response was supposed to be abject horror at the implication that Big Mom would be serving the _son of Dragon!_

But then Vice-Admiral Garp started doing it (and worse), so it was okay.

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Princess Shirahoshi was gushing about how strong Luffy and the rest of her heroes were while reading the newspaper article aloud, while missing the significant and emotional looks her father and the Minister of the Right were exchanging over the "mysterious bomb" that Straw Hat was accused of somehow planting at the ceremony between Sanji and one of Big Mom's daughters.

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Bartolomeo and all his crew were sobbing with joy at what they had read in the paper about Zoro-senpai's upcoming wedding, before reverently cutting the article out and inserting it and copies into their scrapbooks. One containing the exploits of Luffy-senpai in chronological order, and the other in order of 'Awesomeness,' along with triplicate copies of each, which were securely stored away. Those vaults and their contents would outlast the crew, even if the ship and everyone aboard were killed. Then they returned to completing the photo-albums they were filling with pictures they had covertly taken while their idols had been sailing with them.

Later that night they would continue codifying the holy writings of the Most Holy Church of God Usopp. They would have to meet up with some of the other Division Commanders to finalize it of course, but it was best to get started as soon as possible in order to help save even more people by converting them. That was why their staff officer Gambia was called 'The Missionary' after all.

The main issue of contention though was if Luffy himself was a divine being born in human form, like his subordinate God Usopp, or if Luffy was a human who in his own right had gained the power to command such holy beings. It was crucial that this issue be given careful thought to mitigate any potential future conflict between the two belief systems. "We may have to expand Zoro-senpai's section," Bartolomeo muttered aloud to himself. "It's possible he really is a god of war."

"But is he from a new pantheon, or a gathering of members of various pre-existing ones, united under Luffy-senpai?" Gambia threw in, surrounded by religious texts from around the world.

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Cavendish was beside himself with jealousy, furiously ordering his crew to use Straw Hats' vivre card to track the man down so that they would be by the spotlight next time.

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"You see, sisters!?" Hancock cried out. "This means that Luffy knows I'm the only woman worthy of marrying him!"

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Robin stared at the newspaper in mild surprise, while inside she was roaring with laughter, and wondered how she was going to cue Zoro in. _Preferably while Tra-Guy is around to see his response_ , she concluded with mirth, _he's trying to act too stoic again_.

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 **Author Notes:**

 **This was originally published just after the Zou arc originally, so obviously there are some significant differences to canon. That said, I still wish Sanji would have behaved differently up to the wedding ceremony…**

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 **Please Review, and I will get back to you!**


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